Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Forlorned Humor

Been posting some serious stuff, so I thought I'd give you all a break.



I got so sick of the trick-or-treaters at Halloween that I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
To heck with the ships. My lighthouse, my rules.
How many lighthouse keepers does it take to change a light bulb?

Possible Answers:
Just one of the many questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse.
Nobody knows. Lightkeepers don’t last as long as light bulbs.
None. They like to keep everybody in the dark.
None. Lightkeepers never change light bulbs, because someone might be on the ocean who wants to sit in the dark.
None. Lightkeepers don’t change bulbs; they just report the change to the office who will then send out a technician.
None. Lightkeepers never see the light anyway.
None, but a lightkeeper does watch two lamp techs while they screw in the light bulb. One assures the lightkeeper that everything possible is being done while the other lamp tech screws the bulb into a water faucet.
None, but the lightkeeper gets copies of all the minutes of all the meetings from the office, which last year passed a resolution to change the light bulb. The topic was resumed from last week’s discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
None. According to the press coverage, there never WAS any light bulb.
One, but only if he can find “light bulbs” in the government supply catalogue. Just one. She grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her.
Only one. Lightkeepers don’t like to share the spotlight.
One, after reflecting in the twilight for several weeks on the merit of the previous bulb.
Two – one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Three – one to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to write the story about it.
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My girlfriend runs a lighthouse on a small, remote island.
She’s a keeper.
If it's zero degrees outside on watch, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what are fog horns made of?
Why are seagulls called seagulls?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
What did Captain Hook die of?
Jock Itch!
Who does a ghost report an emergency to?
The Ghost guard!
Old boaters never die; they just get a little dinghy.
The Coast Guard cutter tuned in to a faint distress signal from a sinking pleasure craft.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" shouted the radio operator into the microphone.
Finally a faint reply crackled over the static: "I'm executive vice president of First Global Bank - please hurry!"
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A Sailor's Parrot

This fella has a dock mate going out of town for Thanksgiving and accepts the job of watching his parrot over the holiday. Problem is, this parrot swears like a sailor, and this guy's a quiet, conservative type and before long the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. It's now the day before Thanksgiving, and he's having guests over! The guy snaps and grabs the bird, shakes him and yells, "QUIT IT!!!" This, of course, just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush!

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you old chap. I will do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. "So, by the way," the parrot says, looking nervously back towards the freezer, "what did the turkey do?"
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Some humorous definitions for sailors, part 1 and part 2.
How do lighthouse keepers keep in touch?
Shine language
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You may think it’s the Rrrrr, but his first love be the C.
What d’you call a lighthouse with the lights turned out?
A dark house.
How do ghosts keep fit?
By regular exorcise.
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How do ghosts learn songs?
They read the sheet music.
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How do ghosts like their drinks?
Ice ghoul.
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How do ghosts like their eggs cooked?
Terri-fried.
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How do ghosts like to send their letters?
Scare mail or parcel ghost.
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How do well-groomed ghosts keep their hair in place?
With scare spray.
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This woman wanted to marry a ghost.
I don't know what possessed her.
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What is a ghost's favorite kind of street?
A dead end.
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What did the guard at the haunted house say?
Halt! Who ghost there?
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What do ghosts dance to?
Soul music.
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This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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