I got so sick of the trick-or-treaters at Halloween that I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
How many lighthouse keepers does it take to change a light bulb?
My girlfriend runs a lighthouse on a small, remote island.
She’s a keeper.
What did Captain Hook die of?
Who does a ghost report an emergency to?
The Ghost guard!
The Coast Guard cutter tuned in to a faint distress signal from a sinking pleasure craft.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" shouted the radio operator into the microphone.
A Sailor's Parrot
This fella has a dock mate going out of town for Thanksgiving and accepts the job of watching his parrot over the holiday. Problem is, this parrot swears like a sailor, and this guy's a quiet, conservative type and before long the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. It's now the day before Thanksgiving, and he's having guests over! The guy snaps and grabs the bird, shakes him and yells, "QUIT IT!!!" This, of course, just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush!
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you old chap. I will do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You may think it’s the Rrrrr, but his first love be the C.
How do ghosts keep fit?
How do ghosts learn songs?
How do ghosts like their drinks?
How do ghosts like their eggs cooked?
How do ghosts like to send their letters?
How do well-groomed ghosts keep their hair in place?
This woman wanted to marry a ghost.
What is a ghost's favorite kind of street?
What did the guard at the haunted house say?
What do ghosts dance to?
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.